The Super Epic Frying Pan of Death
by qwerty19
Summary: Who knew that The Power He Knows Not could be found in a kitchen cabinet? The surreal story of what really happened that night. This is not to be taken seriously, but meant for my, and hopefully your enjoyment. Not a Lily and James bashing story, but instead a weird little idea born of caffeine, sugar, and lack of sleep. Warning: Insanity. Enough said.


Author's Note: I've been under a bit of pressure to past something, so I looked in a folder called, "Half-Formed Garbage," and found this. Yes, that is the name of the folder. I love naming folders in strange ways. Why didn't I post this before? Why, it's because my free time has been nonexistent these past few months. College does that to a person, you know.

This is not to be taken seriously, but to give a laugh or two at the absurdity, stupidity, and OOC-ness of it all. Compared to this, crack fics have flow, in depth characterization, and a highly complex plot. So, why am I uploading this short, psycho thing instead of something with quality? Because I was commanded to by the Donut God. His Glazedness promised a Dunkin' Donuts gift card if I got enough reviews *hint hint*.

No, I'm not insane. I'm just in a weird mood.

Thanks to PB7 for being the most awesome and patient Beta ever. You're fantastic.

Disclaimer: Does anyone besides me even read these things anymore?

* * *

The Super Epic Frying Pan of Death

"Lily, it's him! Go! Take Harry and run!" When Lily Potter heard this, she knew she had no time to panic. She had to enact her plan immediately. Any hesitation and all hope would be lost. She dashed up to the nursery and cradled her son's head in her arms. Less than half a minute later, the door crashed down, and out stepped the Dark Lord himself, a man once known as Tom Marvolo Riddle, though was now twisted to become a monster, an abomination. He became Voldemort.

"No! Please, not Harry! Take me instead!"

"Stand aside, silly girl!"

"OK." Lily calmly side stepped out of the Dark Lord's way, displaying none of the distress she showed earlier.

"I said… wait, 'OK'?" Voldemort was confused. He was never confused, so why was he confused now? Why was the word confused being used so often? It was confusing him.

"I'm sorry, do you have a hearing problem? I said OK. Go ahead."

"You're not even going to try to stop me? No blood wards, no ancient charms, not even standing right in front of him and sacrificing yourself? Just… OK? I can kill your son now?"

"What, were you expecting something more dramatic? Something more sudden, maybe? Possibly something to interrupt one of your next sentences?"

"You know what, you're a terrible mother. AVADA KED-" _BONK_

"Nice frying pan action!"

James beamed, stepping over the bashed-in skull of the now-dead Dark Lord. "You taught me in your fifth year, remember? Now, the readers are incredibly confused right now as to how I'm here, how you knew this would happen, why you stepped aside, and most importantly, why I have a frying pan. Would you mind joining me in a casual conversation which serves no purpose except enlightening our readers to a very interesting, very in depth situation?"

Lily gave an evil smirk, "How about no, and we instead turn into phoenixes, teleport through chocolate to the dragon reserves on Pluto, ride a Hungarian Horntail into the sunset, then crash into the sun, all while singing "Like a Boss"?"

"That makes perfect sense!" So, that's exactly what they did, except they also invented the telephone while on the Horntail, and ate lots of pop tarts.

Hours later, Sirius Black came by, and somehow realized what had happened. Perhaps it was because he knew James so well, or perhaps he was informed of their complex, intricate, highly interesting plan. He planned to reveal it to the press, though he took an unplanned detour to Azkaban, where the magical effects of the Dementors cause him to forget the incident. The prison isn't known for its positive effects on the mind, you know. Therefore, Harry Potter never knew of this, that is, until he knew of this, but that is a story for Another Time…

 _Why, hello there, Another Time! Would you like to hear a story?_

" _Legilimens!"_

The brutal treatment that is required to learn Occlumency had left Harry exhausted. By now, he was no longer even attempting to put up a shield, giving Severus Snape full access to his mind. Snape kept digging deeper and deeper in Harry's long-term memory until he came to _that night_. What he saw, to be blunt, freaked him out. Was that how _that night_ really occurred?Now, how to break this gently…

"Well, Potter, your parents are even bigger dunderheads than I thought." The moral of this story is that Snape has not tact, Voldemort gets confused by weird parenting styles, and that Lily and James like Pop Tarts.

* * *

Like I said, don't take this seriously, but I hope you enjoyed nonetheless. No, not all my fics are as psycho as this, but I wanted to go overboard for once. It's experimentation, you know? I had fun writing it nonetheless. Reviews will give you a golden ticket and you'll own a chocolate factory.


End file.
